4 Generations

Four generations of Magill men; Bruce, Grandpa Ralph, baby Doss, and Ben. 

How to not do it all

So I have almost made it through my second week of work.  Going back has been. . .uh, well. . . not so fun.  I mean, I don't mind working, actually.  I like seeing all the people I have come to know at my office, interacting with new people, "getting things done".  It isn't the actual work that feels almost unbearable (although I admit, I don't feel like I have any agility left in my brain function.  I feel like I move slow mentally, I feel rather overwhelmed, and I have a hard time focusing at the moment.  is that bad?), because for the most part the work itself is enjoyable, and definitely the people I get to be around all day are interesting and stimulating.

No, the unbearable part, the unnatural part, is the schedule.  It is waking up early, rushing out the door, driving a 45 minute commute, running around all day trying to keep up, rushing home to try to spend time with the baby before he goes to sleep, or is too tired to see straight, looking at my husband (usually not actually having a conversation), going to sleep and starting again the next day.  The inflexibility and the pace is just crushing.

I feel like, because of the logistics of my life right now, that I'm not doing any one thing in my life well. That I'm (pardon my language) half-assing everything.  Seriously. And when I do have 5 minutes to breath, I feel a rush of thoughts that I can't process that come from all the different angles of my life (work, the baby, Ben, family, friends. . .  joy, anxiousness, disappointment, excitement, sadness, hopefulness, fear). . . and all I can do is swallow my tears and go on.  

I think about what I want Doss to feel when I'm around.  I don't want him to sense how strung out I feel.  And maybe he doesn't.  Maybe he's hanging onto the fabulous moments when we read a book and he looks up at me and grins and any anxiousness I carry washes away with the coos and gurgles.  

One day (perhaps NOT in this economy), I'll do what I set out to do when I started this blog. . .and that is to do what I love--create cool, funky, expressive spaces and things for groovy kids.  That is what I want Doss to know about me. . . that I like to create things.  That I have a point of view and that art, design, expression makes us better. . . and that although I'm failing at "doing it all" I'm trying. . .for him, for his dad, for us.

The face in these pictures, this moment. . . that is what it's about.  

Working the crying spells.

uh oh. . . 

things aren't quite right. . . 

things aren't good! Not Good!

Things are BAD!

That's right.  you heard me.

2 months-yea!

So Doss is just a bit over two months old.  I cannot believe how far we have come in such a short period of time.  The above photo is us on our way out of the hospital.  He was only 4 days old and didn't even have a name yet (can you believe?)!  Below is the two of us on the Valentine's Day--two months after his birth.  

Boy, I would love to sit here and write that it has been a blissful ride--but I can't. . . not totally.  There is absolutely bliss--when we catch a little grin, or see him content, cooing and gurgling.  That has been so wonderful to see develop over the last couple of weeks leading up to the 2 month mark.  But, it has been a hard road.  Truly, physically and emotionally one of the hardest things I have been through.  There is nothing to prepare you for what your body and mind go through to give birth. . . and to recover physically, while adjusting to meeting the needs of a newborn in the days after coming home can just push you to the edges. . . from bliss, to uncontrollable and unexplainable tears.  

I mentioned in an earlier post that Doss is a bit colicky.  He is just easily pushed to screaming his head off--poor thing--while he is awake. . . I think he is getting better. . . . but he is on the other hand, a great sleeper once we get him to bed at night.  So we feel very lucky on that front.

  So, as glad as I am that we have reached what may be a new plateau in terms of Doss getting used to the world and hopefully feeling less compelled to scream bloody murder while he is awake. . . I am completely freaked out to see him grow out of this stage.  I am freaked out at how fast the longest two months of my life have passed me by.  Have passed him by.  I feel like with Doss' birth, Ben and I have hit a the pace where time will never slow again.  I know that we will wake up and Doss and any potential siblings he may have (or not) will be grown up. . . and that is scary.  

So here I sit, celebrating (while he screams on his play mat) and mourning.  Trying to get through all this, while hanging onto it all at the exact same time.  I think maybe this is me realizing what it means to really feel my adulthood. . . and really grasp the excruciating bliss and pain of giving life; living life.  It is messy and clean at the same time.  Blurry and clear. It is love and hurt.  We are just holding on as hard as we can. . . 

Happy 1st Birthday Smooch!

One year ago today, my niece Lola was born.  She was and still is the grooviest chick in town.  She never ceases to inspire me.  I cannot believe one year has passed. . . and that Lola now is walking, dancing, squealing and saying uh-oh and bye-bye.  Lo even has a baby cousin, Doss, that she love to pat and kiss.  She is the best and will always be my little Smooch.

Crying in b&w and color. . . sure makes you think.

So, Doss is colicky.  I think it is official.  The little guy is just not very content for very long even after being fed and changed.  It is just the saddest sight, to see your baby screaming his head off.  Red face. Writhing body.  So sad.  It doesn't even look pretty in black and white. . .although most things do. . . you can see the poor little guy below. .. in b & w and in color.  

Why does a crying baby make you realize all the things in life you have yet to accomplish?  Why does it make you look back on the crazy twists and turns you have already maneuvered?  Doss's colic makes me contemplate the fact that I'm on like double digits in careers; that I have a design business that I always put on the backburner, thus it never quite takes off; that I always seem to be "just about" to do SOMETHING with my business.  With my life.  Although being a mom is truly amazing--even with a crying baby--and I wouldn't change it.  It does not totally define me.  I want something more to show Doss as he grows.  I want him to see me expressing myself in all sorts of ways; hopefully as my way of making a living for him and for me.  We'll see.  It is just so hard.   Right now, I just have to thank my lucky stars I still have a paying job to return to, with insurance and checks.  And I want to suck in all that I can learn while at this job. . . but one of these days. . . 

Hmmm.  Maybe colic isn't such a bad thing.

Doss and Mia

Doss recently visited his friend Mia.  Mia was very attentive to Doss, putting his pacifier in, and hugging him.  She wanted to smooch him almost as much as his cousin Lola (more on that to come. .. ).  Here are some photos of Doss and Mia sitting together in her club chair.  Too cute!  OH- and Doss's precious outfit. . . from Old Navy!  Aunt Amy gave it to him, and we love it.  We definitely will keep Old Navy on the list for cute, affordable boys clothes.