How to not do it all

So I have almost made it through my second week of work.  Going back has been. . .uh, well. . . not so fun.  I mean, I don't mind working, actually.  I like seeing all the people I have come to know at my office, interacting with new people, "getting things done".  It isn't the actual work that feels almost unbearable (although I admit, I don't feel like I have any agility left in my brain function.  I feel like I move slow mentally, I feel rather overwhelmed, and I have a hard time focusing at the moment.  is that bad?), because for the most part the work itself is enjoyable, and definitely the people I get to be around all day are interesting and stimulating.

No, the unbearable part, the unnatural part, is the schedule.  It is waking up early, rushing out the door, driving a 45 minute commute, running around all day trying to keep up, rushing home to try to spend time with the baby before he goes to sleep, or is too tired to see straight, looking at my husband (usually not actually having a conversation), going to sleep and starting again the next day.  The inflexibility and the pace is just crushing.

I feel like, because of the logistics of my life right now, that I'm not doing any one thing in my life well. That I'm (pardon my language) half-assing everything.  Seriously. And when I do have 5 minutes to breath, I feel a rush of thoughts that I can't process that come from all the different angles of my life (work, the baby, Ben, family, friends. . .  joy, anxiousness, disappointment, excitement, sadness, hopefulness, fear). . . and all I can do is swallow my tears and go on.  

I think about what I want Doss to feel when I'm around.  I don't want him to sense how strung out I feel.  And maybe he doesn't.  Maybe he's hanging onto the fabulous moments when we read a book and he looks up at me and grins and any anxiousness I carry washes away with the coos and gurgles.  

One day (perhaps NOT in this economy), I'll do what I set out to do when I started this blog. . .and that is to do what I love--create cool, funky, expressive spaces and things for groovy kids.  That is what I want Doss to know about me. . . that I like to create things.  That I have a point of view and that art, design, expression makes us better. . . and that although I'm failing at "doing it all" I'm trying. . .for him, for his dad, for us.

The face in these pictures, this moment. . . that is what it's about.